Saturday, September 21, 2013

And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it. ~ r. dahl

So, I'm getting a little excited. Or am I? Agnes is starting to come together. Just a few more visits and I will be prepping her for paint. That will be the ultimate transformation. She has been my driving force for awhile now. And as I start to see the end actually in sight, I wonder what I will do after. I relish in the thought of completing, but I know I will have to move on to the next phase of my life. Face certain things. What will that be? Anticipation makes me hyper. I feel certain things in limbo...

I have so many ideas. But they are bigger and require more in many ways. I try to hold on to my ideals that anything is possible, even if I don't have the slightest idea how. I have been holding onto this idea so tightly for a while now, afraid to let it slip away or give in. Not that I think I need to do something grand to change the world. I want to live in the world I create. It's mine. It's whatever I want it to be and I am determined to keep it that way. But wanting something I do to add to the world-add some kind of beauty or contemplation. Determined to be driven by beauty and creating and pushing myself. I feel a little crazy at times. Ok, a lot crazy. But I like that. I feel the most real I have ever felt, and it's quite an addicting feeling. I am fairly good at making a fool of myself. I really like just being me, despite the consequences. But I expect more. I expect everything. Why shouldn't I or anyone? I don't think I am creatively talented or adventurous by nature. Not the stereotypical free spirit. But I have a little spark that I want to be and that's my favorite part of myself. Tapping into what's inside. I feel the universe more than ever right now. And I refuse to let go. There is something pulling me. A unsaid magnet that keeps me mirror.

Agnes may seem like a little hobby to keep me busy, but she has meant much more than that. I always had the drive in me, but until this last year, felt alone in that. Lost. It's amazing how your life can change and you can be inspired to feel like you can do anything, be completely yourself. To feel safe. The idea of throwing myself into the next project is exciting and scary at the same time. But it seems to be where I am most comfortable. I love the ridiculous. I love the beauty of the mundane. I love passionate people who throw themselves into things. People who can't help it, who don't give a fuck. And maybe I am better at recognizing and appreciating that instead of being that totally myself. But it inspires me. I truly believe anything is possible. I've kind of figured out that I work toward being content, it's natural. But being content is not enough. I need to challenge myself more. Take more risks. I still have that hesitation embedded in me, but working on it. Funny how a little trailer and others can affect. Deciding to do something. Just need to decide. In the meantime, I take comfort in trees and critters and most of all, in my moon and stars.

I love people like this..